Both! - from "Pink Hair & Chocolate Cookies"
Posted: Friday, October 17, 2008
by Laura Lavigne
TreeHouse Coaching
My grandmother had lived through two world wars in France - as a Jewish woman, no less. Why this is relevant to today's story, I am not sure and yet I feel compelled to include it. What matters is that when entertaining guests in her elegant Parisian living room, she would regularly give them a choice as to what to add to their cup of post-lunch coffee. I can still see her, holding one of those fancy silver tongues and asking, straight faced: "un sucre ou pas du tout?" This, interestingly enough, translates to "one sugar cube - or none at all?" Writing this today (and for the first time), makes me laugh out loud as I imagine her visitors' expressions when faced with their unexpected - and greatly limited - options.
I wanted to jump over the front seat and give her a big squeeze .
Really, it makes sense.
Fast forward again. The little girl now wears an iPod in the car, thus limiting any amount of genuine interaction, wise or not. But her early words remain and with time - and my growing dislike of limitations - their power has only increased.
In fact, one of my favorite words of late is...
"BOTH".
Such a small, simple yet BIG word. Somewhat politically incorrect too. Lovely, really, and one which is an efficient tool for a beloved hobby of mine, which I call: "agreement debunking". Let me explain: an agreement is a "rule" (usually a limiting rule) that we have agreed upon, and which may or may no longer be true. In fact, it possibly never was true to start with. Yet these agreements endure and are somehow time-proof and very rarely revisited. Not smoothly anyway.
I subscribed to such a limiting "either / or" agreement about 35 years ago and have only glimpsed at its debunking in the last year. As you will see, and as is often the case, "BOTH" was the perfect antidote.
At a very young age, I fell in love with the Spanish language, which I spoke choppily, due to summer long vacations in Spain. Years later as a teenager, a visit to Italy - and one look at Italian boys - caused me to fall equally in love with Italian.
At that point, I was solemnly told by some random person whose name and credentials I forget, that "I had to make a choice"; that because they were so similar, the two languages would somehow magically cancel each other out inside my brain and that I would end up unable to speak either one.
Terrified, I quickly chose Spanish but always held a bit of sadness at the thought of never being able to communicate with any of those 57 million Italians.
And then, last fall, a beautiful mistake was delivered to my mailbox: a video, which I had ordered thinking it was in Spanish, turned out to be in Italian.
Within seven minutes, I was once again enchanted by the beauty of the language - and yes, of the Italian men, too.
Only this time, instead of sadness, a rebellious streak hit me right on the head as years of coaching other people away from their limitations came crashing through my living room walls. Forget it! I did not have to choose. I wanted BOTH. I deserved BOTH.
All of a sudden, I became aware of how much power I had given this ill informed statement and quickly developed a plan to expose myself to as much spoken Italian as possible, including a live discussion group, Italian music and more films. Ah!
Well, it wasn't long before I could understand a movie with very little help from the subtitles, which gave me a huge amount of joy. Then came the afternoon when I effortlessly grasped the meaning of a beautiful Andrea Bocelli song, without even trying. This was so much fun and yet here is the most fun part: I am convinced that speaking Spanish is the reason why I was able to learn Italian so easily. Imagine that.
So of course, this little jaunt opened the door to more questions: all of a sudden I wanted to know where in my life, I was subscribing to the notion that I HAD to make a choice between two desirable options. I wanted to know which agreements had woven themselves into my head and become "rules". I was on the prowl and the hunt proved fruitful. As a result, I spent last winter living BOTH in the city and in the country (something which I had wanted to do but thought impossible - the "either / or" thing, you know...) My children and I moved into a new house which happens to be BOTH enormously spacious and cozy. And of course, I often enjoy lovely evenings watching BOTH Italian and Spanish movies. This playful search spilled over to my clients and for a while "BOTH" had almost become a code word!
So today, I invite you to make a list of what you would have BOTH of, if you allowed yourself to - or even thought it possible. Yes, there are times when one cake is all we get and when we do have to make a choice between having it and eating it; but not always. Not even close to always. Go ahead, search your brain, your life, for such limiting agreements. (Warning: these are sneaky and often disguise themselves as truths)
For fun, take a peak at your life and question the places where you may have agreed that your choices were "un sucre ou pas du tout"
Chances are, you could have a handful.
Happy all to you!
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)The universe is infinitely accommodating. Sweet story, bon appétit.Yes, a friendly universe it is.Merci!Laura
hi laura,this was a great article that stretches the mind, and next time i get a gallon of vanilla and chocolate ice cream, i'll eat them both toghether!best regards,sue thomHi SueI am so glad I could have a part in this ; )Thank you for your words.Laura
I would like to make plans and not have God laugh.Well, I think this is a kind laugh, a joyful laugh.That's how it rings in my ears, for sure.
Hi Laura.I don't know where to start, so I will just say thanks.But, you know, I think I might want to have it all, not just both! :)Dianne
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